Rosters Revised to Level Playing Field
After an evening of drunken debauchery and deliberation, the rosters for Turkey Bowl XIV have been adjusted to level the playing field and make the game more competitive than it has been in recent years.
This startling development occurred this past Thursday night at the Wildcat in Sturges as the Fudgepackers and Outlaws agreed to exchange former MVPs Eric "The Unibomber" Turbolski and Chris "I never leave the basement" Jarrow.
Both teams seem pleased with their new acquisitions. When asked to comment on the trade, Rob Grasso had the following to say, "I don't care who's on my team. I will never lose to the Outlaws. NEVER! Unless of course they add Dave Scoblick to their roster because, let's face it, I never beat him in anything and never will."
Outlaw captain Pat Zwanch was also asked to share his thoughts on the trade. "Turbo scares me."
When asked to further comment, Pat said, "Um, I'd prefer to talk about myself. Can I tell you about how Jeff Sparks has been working with me to make me a more accurate passer? He's even going to let me wear his #11 Valley View jersey! OMG, I'm so excited about that! Maybe I'll let Jarrow wear my #87 so that the magic that made 11 and 87 the most dynamic duo in the Big 11 in 1986 can be rekindled."
Also involved in the trade are perennial Turkey Bowl disappointments Steve Schott and Mike Congahan.
"The best thing that Mike Conaghan ever did in Turkey Bowl was bring his dog to last year's game. This at least allowed him to tell people that someone or something that came in his car showed up with his balls. We were hoping it was Mike himself, but after the first series, we quickly learned that wasn't the case," said Keith Mercatili, who once again took home the award for player most likely to be mistaken for a school bus.
The rosters for the fourteenth edition of this Black Friday classic shape up like this.